D-Day, How my 6 year old daugter's diagnosis of Bipolar came into being.

I am not sure how it all started, the desperation, or the condemnation of the diagnosis bipolar of my (then) 6 year old little girl, Miss M. Maybe everyone else had known it, and I was the only one, who was clueless, in denial, and in the dark. I remember when Miss M was born, she was a beautiful blue-eyed, blond haired, 8 lb baby. How could this possibly happening to me, or us?

As I think back, Miss M was always a little different, in pre-school, she cut up her clothes, had more tantrums with a much longer duration than other kids. Miss M was hard to manage, she was always destructive and moody.

Other parents, who secretly persecuted my parenting skills, just said that "I wasn't strict enough" and that "I always let her get her own way". I thought long and hard about their criticisms. In the long run, I learned that it wasn't true, my kid was just tougher to control than most kids.

Miss M was having a lot of problems in pre-school and now she was in kindergarten. She was a behavior problem and she could not learn to read or write. On top of that, my now-ex, who I commonly refer to as the dingle, was really having a difficult time controlling his own behaviors, showing up for work late or never, making empty suicidal threats, and constantly beating off to porn.

Immediately, I took Ms. M to the pediatrician, in which he diagnosed her with ADHD, like her older brother and her father. The pediatrician put her on a stimulant, which seemed to help partially, but with bipolar, stimulants can produce mania and she was eventually taken off of it.

Miss M's first unofficial diagnosis was in the summer of 2006, when I had taken her to a grief counselor/thanatologist. I had just been diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, inconveniently the day before New Years eve. I spent a week in the hospital and had a lengthy recuperation at home and post-surgery. During my recuperation, the dingle had been slacking and Miss M was extra moody during those days. Over the next few months, I finally found proof of the dingle's extra-curricular activities. It didn't help his case any during my hospital stay, my oncologist couldn't track him down. The dingle didn't show up to the hospital or help with my surgery appointments or treatments. His lack of concern for my well being helped to shed some light onto our marriage or lack of one. I moved out with both kids and my disabled mother on April 20, 2006, Miss M was 6, and my son was 8.

I assumed that Miss M's behaviors, tantrums, and general moodiness were all based on my cancer and our separation and pending divorce. Unfortunately, I was very wrong. The grief counselor spent a couple of months attempting to counsel Miss M on death and dying, but her behavior and moods were getting worse not better. Eventually, he told me that he believed that her behavior was biologically based and that she needed to see a psychiatrist. After his unofficial diagnosis, I heard nothing else from him again. Apparently, he wanted nothing to do with me or Miss M. I am finding this to be an all too common problem.

I sought more help from a local psychologist to counsel Ms. M. In all honesty, it hasn't helped Miss M much, but the psychologist has been a valuable resource for me.

As I am sure you would have guessed, it wasn't long afterwards, that I found out that my ex, the dingle had been diagnosed with bipolar, which he had hidden from me, until he threatened (yet again) suicide. Me and a friend of mine had to take him to his psychiatrist's office, in which I learned of his diagnosis.

I finally found a psychiatrist in Columbia, MD, (only an hour away) who diagnosed Miss M with a NOS mood disorder, separation anxiety, and ADHD. He prescribed her Trileptal, which helped some, but by no means has been a cure. Over the months, Miss M continued to get worse and the psychiatrist stopped answering my phone calls and refused to help me increase her medication as necessary.

Eventually, I found another child psychiatrist at Sheppard Pratt Hospital in Baltimore that diagnosed Miss M with bipolar and put her on a cocktail of drugs. These psychotropic drugs included Depakote, which made her sick and lethargic and was removed immediately. Risperdal which made her gain weight and she became very OCD, and then Abilify, which had the same side effects, but were less than the Risperdal.

Through many trials and errors, we have found that Miss M is a rapid cycler, who is consistently difficult to stabilize, even now. That year she was maintained on a combination of Trileptal 1500 mg , Abilify 15 mg, and Clonidine .2 mg.

Navigating the maze of mental illness for parent with a bipolar child can be difficult and downright depressing, which on many occasions have left me feeling downright desperate. I didn't realize the lack of resources, or the lack of empathy and compassion for these children and families.

I still have yet to meet another mother or father parenting a child with bipolar disorder. Sometimes, I feel like I am at my breaking point, only to endure another day of coping with Miss M's bipolar disorder, rages, endless doctor appointments, problems at school, and multiple learning disabilities.

Sometimes, I have to wonder, is there anyone else out there, dealing with these same issues?